We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! Just 10 seconds in the slipstream at 175 mph.. Chuck Pelto April 9, 2012, 4:18 pm. But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. If she is a crappy mom the kid will be used to interfer unless she can find some sucker that wont let her. Thats shitty. Whoever is saying otherwise is simply wrong. And because a mans physical committment to the pregnancy ends after coming, the woman gets to make the call. If she did not use protection with him, or ask him to get tested when they got back together, that is no fault of his, imo. That is what passes for reality in your world? Not everyone believes that. Whether this guy decides to be a part of this childs life or not is up to his conscience. having sex with someone you dont know that well. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Essence.com Advertising Terms. Which keeps me pretty busy, and Im married to my daughters mother. No. Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. It isnt pertinent to the discussion. That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. Im simply responding to the information in the letter because, not knowing these people personally, I have nothing else to go on. That can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on your views of abortion, where you are in your life, who your partner is, etc. And he wants absolutely nothing to do with that baby? I wish it's that easy. If you dont do these things and you end up donating the genetic material for a person that gets born and is running around and youre its dad, you pony up some child support because it took two people to make that kid. We still cant quite manage partheogenesis or budding. I dont owe them a relationship just because we have the same DNA. The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) April 9, 2012, 3:04 pm, Ill continue playing devils advocate here today I mean, hey, we certainly couldnt be any more careless or reckless with this precious gift than women keep on proving to be, landygirl Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of . reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A And he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. She doesnt tell the waiter that she has a peanut allergy, because she assumes that simply ordering a dish without peanuts in it will protect her. lets_be_honest April 10, 2012, 6:23 pm, P.S. She may have been sweet and loving throughout the relationship, but when she stopped being her best self or caring about what you think, she became angry, vicious, or revengeful. What is he supposed to do to prove hes not scum? The fact that he doesnt means hes no good for either of you. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum? It is due to his own stupidity if he thought that a single sexual encounter could not produce a child, that birth control pills would definitely prevent him from impregnating someone or that he could legally opt out if a pregnancy occurred. I completely agree. Dont care to be properly identified? Bottom line. At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. But then it really IS all about needless solidarity on here as of late to be sure. He ordered her to get an abortion? Calling the women here honey is pretty condescending, Steve. Men get a say in abortions? I never really got over him and he never got over me. I mean for fuck sake? And the man? Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! me and my boyfriend dated 3 years ago for a year. Why are you mopping and crying over a man who clearly doesnt want to be with you? When you two were engaged, he cheated and had a child by another woman. But instead, she rushed into a new relationship with some new guy, got pregnant, and appeared completely irresponsible. There is no indication that he is committed to having a relationship with you on any level. As for you LW, Im not even sure exactly what youre asking. "My mom got pregnant from a one-night-stand at 16. But in that case, taking the pill you know that youre supposed to use a back up method while on ATB. What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. I dont know how you can defend it. On the other hand, once Im in a committed and loving relationship, I like giving blow jobs, even though I dont have any physical satisfaction from it. Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. 3. Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. I didnt see that it made sense for him to send a check for MY child when he never had even met her. But if Im going to have casual sex without proper protection, well then Id better damn well be prepared for the potential consequences. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Oh, may be you should marry him and fantasize what kind of fun he is having whenever hes late coming home, or fearful he would leave you when you, like that woman, passed 40; or be told to get rid of your baby who is inconvenient to him. I cant even imagine how a grown man can be deceived into impregnating someone. Posted on June 29, 2022 in gabriela rose reagan. April 10, 2012, 5:35 pm. Ill bet if LW gets pregnant, this guy is gone just about instantly. And the fact is, biology dictates that women have control once a pregnancy has occurred- not just the legal system. I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. Why he would be furious with anyone other than himself is beyond me. Even if this baby malarky goes away, even if this woman only demands financial support and nothing else from your boyfriend, this sort of drama will be your life if you stay with him. I'm still contemplating because if my boyfriend finds out, I'm afraid he'll leave me. If he wore a condom and if she was on the pill, hes an idiot because what? Men and women have control over conception on the front end of the decision- and a woman is stuck with the pregnancy. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. bittergaymark I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. I just personally get outraged that this is the case: that he would have to pay support regardless, but that she can opt out of it. Only the woman did. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. Lets start a familyyou know, if the condom doesnt work. Is the same thing going through a womans mind when she decides to have sex? Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. Great, yet another fine example of the sheer brilliance and intellect of more and more heterosexuals in this case, the male whom increasingly seem to have all the knowledge and intellect as to where babies come from as, say, your average comatose five year old. slept with someone else. Its just that all the other concepts that get us to the point of support arent gender blind yet. I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. Or perhaps youre a world-wise know-it-all 19 year old who heard everything you regurgitate here from your Womens Studies professor bitter after falling for the same sure I love you baby slickster line you mentioned above. And not surprisingly, the name callers are all female. Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. hamster van beethoven And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? Like labor isnt extremely painful. You may not agree with it, but the laws are such that he is obligated to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, if she decides not to terminate the pregnancy. Stuff like this really grinds my gears. But he SHOULD want to be involved in his childs life. reader, Silent wing+, writes (10 February 2010): A My mother taught me better than that. There is no way to know this. He is also probably telling all sorts of lies to keep the LW with him. I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. Sorry for any confusion! Posted Over 1 Month. April 9, 2012, 5:05 pm. Think of the children. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. Weird question. Nor is there any guarantee that the woman who tells you that she doesnt want to have a baby wont change her mind when faced with that decision. I think it is unfair that the man cant have sex without the possibility of becoming a parent, but the woman can.. Well technically for me it was the way he reacted to his potential child and nothing about the way he treated the LW or the woman in the letter. And I do commend him for providing financial support. TheQuietOne He actually did believe he was the dad, which means he actually did cheat with this other woman. Francine WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR BOYFRIENDS PROBLEM. I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. When you give your child up for adoption, you are giving him or her to people who really want a child and are prepared financially and emotionally to give that child support. Solved. I don't know my place anymore because he doesn't want to tell her we're back together. That is a risk women take. But again the adoption makes that all moot. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. P.P.S. You are being played with a capital P! This is a man that has never stopped cheating on you. But I believe theres a definite difference. April 9, 2012, 5:17 pm. SweetsAndBeats If a pregnancy results after you do the very thing you know can cause pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself and whining about your lack of choices or the burden of what you must now do is unproductive and frankly, a little too late. And yes men create children. Get over yourself and get over him. I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. Men dont have those choices if they dont want the child. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. It doesnt sound like hes ready to be a one-woman man and get married (let alone start a family), and it doesnt sound like the LW is entirely willing and able to deal with being with a man who has fathered a child that isnt theirs. I would MUCH rather this guy walk away now then be stuck with a screaming baby he doesnt care for and end up throwing it off a bridge. Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. Thats true, but by the same token, wait a bit (a few days or at least a full conversation) to see if you can get along with someone on a basic level before jumping into bed with them. April 10, 2012, 6:43 pm. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? No, then I would say she is just stupid. But I answer younger peopleI even have made some comments on Teen Rant. Well put. Privacy Policy. LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. Im guessing that shes in the UK or Ireland, or perhaps New England. By clicking Sign Up, you agree to our We do know that the guy in question didnt use a condom (as you yourself pinted out elsewhere, LW would have def. Id be more concerned with him having unprotected sex with someone HE just met. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. But sometimes, we don't even realize just how painful they are until after they've happened, and the person you love . John Rohan Like being pregnant is easy. Steve Kellmeyer She never said an unkind word about him and made sure I knew that hed fulfilled his obligations by paying child support. I feel like life for me hasnt gotten better and Im tired. Ahtrue, I reread the letter, and it did say ask not order as I remembered. Apparently not him, because the LW never says he ordered her to abort. I just disagree that sexual preference has anything to do with how likely one is to use a condom all the time. Consider the consequences or dont. It is actually quite easy. reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): A This letter is written by someone who wasnt even involved in the conception of the child, so I dont believe there can be an objective reading of the circumstances. Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? But anyone who consents to sex and is then furious at their sex partner when a baby is the outcome is an idiot. I do plan to stay on my birth control because having a period every month doesnt sound like loads of fun after only having 4 a year for so long. Because one of the known outcomes is happening to him and hes pissed at someone else. She isnt a woman he wants to be with his entire life. And not even the most important part. Honestly, I see unfairness in the current system too, but I dont see how you could look out for the best interests of children while simultaneously making everything 100% fair for both mother and father. April 9, 2012, 2:07 pm. im not disagreeing with you. at risk of STDs. Last I checked being gay doesnt mean you are also a genius who never makes mistakes. P.S. He could have been one of those unforunate souls that DID protect himself, even with the womans added protection, and it still resulted in a child. The scapegoats arent really the point- women, minorities, the government, poor people, rich people- it doesnt really matter. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions without relying on you to rescue him. I dont ever remember being heartbroken about not having a father. April 9, 2012, 9:31 pm. Men will never have to make that choice. He says he cant stand her? Good. Any woman who cant see the pleasure in such a sacrifice is too selfish to be in a relationship. And she doesnt have to be a liar to have been on antibiotics, thus rendering the pill largely ineffective. The good news is that yours are a little less awful. April 9, 2012, 11:00 am. Your constant blatant disregard for others is increasingly more and more shocking Plus it is only the heteros that are so steadfast and determined to keep fucking people like me over and over All the while, claiming they want smaller government Then get the FUCK out of my bedroom and out of my fucking life. Well, that part is pretty easy, since its the way things work now. If he truly wants nothing to do with his child and is willing to pay his obligatory financial support, I dont think that makes him a scumbag, I think thats good foresight. April 9, 2012, 3:33 pm, bittergaymark I knew, but loved him so much, forgave him & said wed give each other some space, but when I gave that space, he just went on ahead & made this lady pregnant. Thanks for proving you and your ilk are out to entrap men to sustain your lifestyle by dropping as many babies as you can..and living on welfare checks honest people pay for..SLUT! By the way, there was no implication that it makes it easy for the woman to get child support. This is a process and it's got a lot of risks. Rachelgrace53 Let him go. Hell pay for it but wants absolutely nothing to do with it. I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating. That isnt the case. Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. bittergaymark April 9, 2012, 4:55 pm. 2. Yes, he could have done worse by refusing to pay child support and not wanting to be in the child s life or being an alcoholic abusive parent, or what have you. If youre going to call anyone a slut, Chuck (which you shouldnt, its really very rude) why not the dude who slept with someone he cant stand and got her pregnant? While youre at it make sure to pop out a few more kids yourself, too. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. It was one of those comments that deserved the opportunity to be liked twice anyway. I just feel that they are, at times, the least bad solution. ReginaRey I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. 6napkinburger In any event, Im happy to hear what youve shared already! She deserves to be treated as cheap and unwanted but he doesnt deserve to skate free. exactly hes allowed to not want to be a father, but be smarter about birth control. LOL. You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. And I called him out on condom use because truly that should be something we all think about when having non-monogamous sex EVEN if the woman is taking another form of birth control. Listen, people have sexcasuallyand sometimes with people they never hope to see again. I also think that some LWs after reading the comments change there stories in the updates to try to save face though. Dude, thats seriously out of line. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them.. Everything else aside, most of the guys in this thread are more upset about the sex part than they are about the child out of wedlock part. As much as men have some inherent advantages, women do as well, and one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met. Not exactly. (and I hate that C-word.but LW, you deserve it). And I think the LW is just as much of an ass or whatever other word you want to insert as the bf in question. He was broken up with her at that time, and had no agreement that they would get together in the future. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. As a woman, you have control over that. Ugh so agree with Amanda. But, it would have reduced the chances. reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): A That base of support is crucial for serving the child best. He didnt invest in your relationship. It may not be widely known among the comment threads of womens advice blogs and other social hangouts but the family law bar is well aware of this issue. Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. 17. 4. Termination of Parental rights does NOT absolve you from paying Child Support in the United States of America. reader, Maaeexo+, writes (11 November 2010): A I think both you and JR are twisting this around to make it sound like we dont like the dude because were prudes who dont believe in casual sex, or that were siding with the LW or something, when most of us actually said that we believe that the LW is as scumy as the dude. But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. It is duplicated below. Hey, say what you want about the letter but dont diss my Twilight!!! Agree. I have never heard anybody going through an unwanted pregnancy say they didnt take care. People think LW is out of line, because she has no right to be pissed at this women for wanting to keep a child, and no right to make up reasons why she is having this baby in the first place. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. It happens, no matter what precautions are taken, unless you opt out of sex. Risk reduction is not relevant, because the risk never goes to 0%. But still. Wether he likes it or not, shes keeping the baby. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother). Would you tell the parents that you would gladly pay for the funeral, but you want nothing else to do with what happened, and that you are going to go live your life like nothing did? Out of my 5 closest friends only one isnt a fan. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. Like I said, step back and evaluate this situation as if you were an outsider. The point is, theres a baby on the way who needs a daddy. Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. These two ideas cannot be simultaneously true. Not that hes upset about the situation but furious with this woman. Oh I completely agree! April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. Want to be disappointed, read the comments first and then read the letter. April 10, 2012, 2:42 pm. I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. Go back and reread the original letter starting with the part where hes furious with the woman he impregnated. So he had no obligation to her whatsoever. If he suddenly decided to emotionally ditch this woman when she was five months pregnant or after the baby was born, Id been singing another tune. Ummm hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated. Every relationship ends in death or a breakup, so this is not unusual. They should be used. Maybe she IS trying to entrap him. Pay[ing] for it is responsible, even if its not what the mother of the child, or potentially the child, may initially want. The decision to have sex is NOT a decision to have a child. It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. Um, I dont think anyone actually said that. Man is in quotes becuase no man abandons a woman that he impregnates. I havent, and even though I am 110% pro-choice, Im not sure if its something I could actually do. The thought of a child waiting for him at home makes going away so much easier. Now, yes, people will say: Forgive him. Its not some big secret that women have that option and that men are legally obligated to provide financially if she exercises that option. As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). That way you will know things like what you both agree to do if she gets preggers, and how soon you jettison him if he goes and has sex with someone else ad knocks her up. He is not the end all and be all. Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. He cant be irresponsible and fail to take every reasonable effort to avoid pregnancy (doubling up on BC and using condoms, getting a vasectomy, or only having sex with women he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt also do not want to bring children into the world), and then act surprised and angry when it happens anyways. Also I disagree with the logic that if you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children.